Like me, many new widowers may find themselves minus both their wife and mother on a Mother’s Day. In my case, my wife passed in 2015 and my mom in 2017, almost exactly two years apart. 

I had been fortunate that my wife and mother bonded and deeply loved and respected each other. This mutual affection supported our family and me through many challenges over the years.  Theresa, my wife, brought love, empathy, and a deep commitment to family into our lives; while my mom, Danah, instilled strength, steadiness, and a deep sense of community into us.

My siblings, daughters, and grandchildren know how fortunate we were to have them in our extended family. Both inspired love and respect from everyone they met. I do my best to honor them by remembering and emulating their qualities on a daily basis.

After my wife’s passing, there was a period where I was somewhat resentful of the fact that she was taken away from me while still relatively young (65), while my mom continued to live into her late 90’s. I learned to sublimate this thought, and not let it interfere with my relationship with my mother. I am sure she sensed this struggle, but true to her nature, it was never discussed.

My best advice to my fellow widowers, especially those in the first year after their wife’s passing, is that you immerse yourself into your remaining family as much as you possibly can. Surround yourself with their love and support, draw on their strength, and accept their caring. Learn to not fall into the male chauvinist modus operandi of standing aloof and alone, but rather allow those barriers to be broken down and let those who care in.

Most of the widowers I have met have been forced to become more empathetic, more grateful for those who care, and more willing to be vulnerable around them. Your grief will continue regardless of your approach, so you might as well do it with the help of others. More than likely you will find that this allows you to process your grief more effectively, and to come out on the other side as an even better, stronger, and more caring person.

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