It is easy during the first year or so after your wife’s passing to become so immersed in your own grief that you ignore the grief others are feeling. Let’s face it, during this time our grief is overwhelming! It often blocks out everything else so that we are unaware of much that’s going on around us, even though our survival depends in part on our ability to maintain our most important relationships.

We often self-isolate and become dismissive of the grief that others are feeling. Granted, our grief is different, and in many cases debilitating to the point where we are dysfunctional. In this state of mind, we may be insensitive to the fact that some of our children, grandchildren, sisters, brothers, parents, and friends are also suffering. If we diminish or ignore their suffering, we may drive them away from us.

So, how do we find balance in these relationships in a way that allows us to grieve in the way we need to, while at the same time supporting those around us who are also grieving?

As widowers who are fathers the reasons for being supportive of others are a little clearer. We are, after all, the supposed “head of the family” and bear some responsibility for helping everyone to navigate this new world we find ourselves in. This means we must at times put our suffering aside for a bit while we help our children and other family members navigate their way through this experience. However, when this is the case, you still need to be sure and set aside enough “me time” to process and heal your own grief. If you don’t, you may find yourself unable to help others.

For those widowers who are not fathers, the challenge is a little different. While you are the “principal griever,” your role in supporting others through this experience is more dependent upon their willingness to see you as a partner in this grief experience. When in this situation, we can try to express “supportive listening” rather than “shifting listening” when discussing our grief with our fellow travelers.

“Shifting listening” means when someone shares their problem, you are constantly shifting the conversation back to you and your grief. While practicing “supportive listening” you offer words of support and encouragement for them as you acknowledge that they are suffering as well.

As a parent you are fully expected to be practicing “supportive listening;” but if you are a non-parent this approach may take some getting used to, especially when what you want is for everyone else to practice “supportive listening” with you, rather than the other way around.

I believe that just by being aware of the fact that others are suffering too, and just by being more responsive and supportive, you can strengthen those bonds with others that you so desperately need to survive this awful grieving experience that we all must go through.

Good luck my friends.

© Copyright 2024 Fred Colby

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