Shortly after my wife of 45 years passed in 2015, I found myself buried in grief. I knew I was in trouble and could not find the answers by myself. So, I asked, “Where can I go for help?” I knew a little about therapy but had never really taken advantage of it.

For many of us, choosing therapy may lead to having to make a choice: “Do I turn to a church for help? Or, do I turn to secular organizations for help?” The answer was made easier because my church did not offer counseling support, so I naturally turned to Pathways Hospice in my community, which offered one of the best Grief and Loss programs in the country.

However, many churches also offer some form of grief counseling to help their parishioners through the challenges that face them after losing a loved one. Many churches are happy to welcome their neighbors, no matter their religious affiliation. Through Griefshare.org widowers can often find churches in their area that offer support groups to help you through your grieving.

But if you are looking for secular or non-church affiliated help you may have to look far and wide to find local support groups. My recommendation is to visit your local hospice and ask if they provide grief counseling, or if they can recommend an organization in the area that does offer this service.

You may have to hunt around, and online resources are limited. One of the better ones you can look at is the  National Widowers Organization

If you have a strong church affiliation, going to your church counseling group makes perfect sense. It offers familiarity, a faith-based approach that supports your worldview, and genuinely caring people to support you. However, there are some potential issues, such as:

·        You know the people too well and don’t feel comfortable opening up to them,

·        The group leaders are not specifically trained for grief counseling, or

·        Topics may seem narrowly defined to theological issues, rather than to the very human issues you are struggling with.

A more secular approach may suit you best if:

·        you are not ready to turn to God for help,

·        you feel that the professionally trained staff at a hospice are better able to support you, or

·        you are not comfortable in a faith-based setting.

In a secular setting, you might:

·        feel there is not enough open discussion of faith as a part of the healing process,

·        not be comfortable being in a coed group of men and women you never met before, or

·        long for the comfort of a faith-based setting.

The only thing I can tell you for sure is that grief groups and grief counseling can be invaluable to your healing process. So, don’t be deterred if you cannot find the right group to participate in right away. Keep looking if your first preference (faith-based or secular) is not available, or if it does not work out. Try another group or another counselor until you find what works for you.

From my own experience, I can tell you that these groups, if run properly, are wonderfully welcoming and supportive if you give them a chance. I have seen many widowers come into their first meeting with their arms crossed and their demeanor screaming, “Please leave me alone and just let me suffer by myself.”

I have also seen almost all of these widowers come around by the end of their first meeting, often saying something like, “I did not know what to expect, but I am glad I decided to come. I will be back for the next meeting.” Often, they later ask why we can’t meet more than once a month and say the group meetings have been invaluable to them.

So, whatever your preference is – faith-based or secular – make a decision and find the right group for you. It can help you survive this hell-on-earth experience through support, camaraderie, and the sharing of lessons – learned. Most importantly you discover that you are not alone!

© Copyright 2024 Fred Colby

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