Every widower will at some point face the question, “Should I move out of my house?” After the loss of their wife, many widowers (like I did) face a loneliness which is overwhelming, which can dominate your thoughts, and which can limit your ability to reach out for help. Your home is often the only place you can safely retreat to and still feel your wife’s presence.

While you are likely to be desperate for connections to others, including other women, you are often also driven to return home where you can still connect with your wife. There is a sort of push-pull relationship with the home, in which you want to escape it…. But also want to retreat to its familiar arms.

A widower's home may be the one place that he feels safe in while processing his grief. At the same time, every room, every cupboard, every photo and sometimes the most mundane items remind you of her at the most unexpected times. Being home alone can drive your grief to new levels which may lead to accentuated loneliness and depression, which can lead to bad decision-making and other psycho-emotional problems.

Many books and articles on the topic of widowhood advise us to not make any major decisions during the first year. This could include giving away all of your wife’s possessions, selling your house, changing careers, relocating, and remarrying. While I agree with this advice, we need to  recognize that sometimes events dictate decisions being made earlier than one might normally like.

While I know some widowers who did not begin to part with their wife’s belongings until three years after their passing, I know others who were forced to leave their home within months after losing their wife.  This kind of rapid transition is often a matter of circumstance, rather than choice, caused by financial needs or the dictates of a will. This sudden departure from his home can impose an additional burden on the widower as he is not allowed the time to process his grief in the place he and his wife held dear, possibly the only place that is comfortable for him to grieve in.

For myself, I was able to begin giving away some of my wife’s possessions within four months of her passing, with almost all items given away over a period of two years. While I was tempted to sell the house sooner, I waited three years before doing so. At that point I felt like the emotional tie to "our" house had diminished to where it was no longer traumatic for me to leave it.

I will caution that each widower’s experience is unique and he must find the path that works for him and that feels right. You cannot go wrong with stepping back for a bit and letting your thoughts settle before making this or any major decision during this critical period of your life.

© Copyright 2021 Fred Colby

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