On the evening of June 29, 2015, I began a journey for which I was ill-prepared. After holding my wife as she passed, I entered the grieving experience with no idea of what to expect along the way.

For the first couple of weeks, I experienced the “Numbing Period.” I felt nothing as I was going through the motions of notifying family and friends, making arrangements for a Celebration of Life, trying to figure out the next steps, and then planning my escape from it all (a brief trip to the mountains to have some private self-processing time).

As I emerged from this phase while in the mountains, the pain was overwhelming. Even simple tasks like preparing a meal for myself were difficult and could result in another bout of sobbing, regrets, fear, and physical pain. I had gathered some material on grieving to bring with me, and I researched online to find out what I should expect. The information I found was informative, and most importantly it convinced me that I needed HELP to get through this. And the sooner I got it, the better.

Upon my return home, I found and signed up for a small “Beginners” grief group which was designed to help us meet the immediate challenge and to begin to form bonds with others going through the same experience. After that, I joined a larger ongoing grief group of around 15 to 20 members.

While I found this helpful (most importantly to understand that I was not alone in this), the women outnumbered the men by a ratio of around 8 to 1. What I quickly realized as my grief progressed was that as a man, I processed my grief differently than most of the women in the group.  I also recognized that there were topics that I was not comfortable raising in a group of women.

This led me to approach the management of Pathways Hospice (which arranged and hosted the grief groups) about forming a Men’s Grief Group which would meet monthly. They approved my request and helped us (I had found another widower to partner with on this) to find a male therapist who could lead and facilitate the meetings.

Over the next four years, we built the group up from 4 to 5 members to around 15 to18 members who attended regularly. I found the meetings wonderfully therapeutic, and I loved watching the participating widowers bond with each other and help each other advance on their healing paths. They supported and encouraged each other, they allowed each other to cry without embarrassment, and they offered up their own examples of healing to show a path forward.

I recognized over time how special this was, especially given my own history of not having many “close” male friends whom I could rely upon for help. Women tend to have several close friends and are more used to stepping up to support and help their friends when they face difficulties. Men are generally not as well equipped with the same empathetic and caring skills. So, after losing our wives, we must learn them.

I found that the Men’s Grief Group offered each of us a safe place where we could test out and develop these skills in a safe environment. It was most rewarding and even inspiring to watch as my fellow widowers formed bonds with each other and gradually re-engaged with life again.

This experience proved to me that widowers could learn empathy, could learn how to build new relationships, and could learn how to support and encourage each other. I also found that this process greatly enhanced each widower’s ability to heal and to re-engage with life again.

If you live in an area that does not have a Men’s Grief Group and want to know how to start one, I offer a Draft Meeting Template for Men’s Grief Groups at the end of my book, Widower to Widower. For those who want to get started now, please contact me at: https://www.fredcolby.com/contact-me and I will email you a free copy of the template.

Good luck my friends.

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