Whether you believe in God, Allah, Yahweh, or a spiritual universe, you probably have heard the phrase, “Don’t bow down to false gods.” When we are grieving, many false gods may tempt us and drag us into a pit of despair which can be hard to climb out of.

When we bow down to false gods, we give them power over us… we let them dictate how we grieve, live, and interact with others, including those who are trying to help us.

Some of the most dangerous false gods are:

Anger which tempts us to obsess on the unfairness of our wife’s dying, the failure of doctors to save her, the insensitive remarks of others, the costs of medical care, or our own real or perceived shortcomings during her illness or passing.

Fear attacks our sense of well-being and replaces it with doubts about our ability to survive the seemingly bottomless pit of grief we find ourselves in. We begin to doubt our very sanity and our ability to navigate this new world without our spouse by our side. Interactions with others cause worry, anxiety, and self-doubt.

Desire would suggest that we need to fill the void in our lives through sexual encounters, or new relationships which are driven in large part by the need for human touch.

Loneliness drags us down by telling us that we will forever be alone and unworthy of old or new friendships, that we will spend our remaining days isolated, with nowhere to go, and no one to share our life with again.

Alcohol & Drugs feed off of the other false gods, and would tell us that the only way we can survive is to consume quantities of them in order to neutralize the pain and avoid the fear, doubts, desire for companionship, and loneliness.

Unfortunately, all these false gods, once they have secured a foothold in our consciousness, will drag us down into an ever-increasing cycle of granting them more power over us. As a result, we are apt to be more resistant to seeking help. This in turn makes healing even more difficult to realize.

So, what do you do if you find these false gods gaining power over you?

The first and most important step is to recognize what is happening to you, to recognize which false gods are claiming power over you, and then stand up to them and reject them. I would literally say things like, “I reject you (anger), I do not accept you or your claim of power over me.” This may require the help of a therapist, a minister/priest/rabbi/mullah, or a good friend or family member who can support you as you confront these false gods.

The second most important step is to reaffirm who you are… a good, whole, and complete person with a strong foundation of values and beliefs which do not just disappear because your wife is gone. You, and she, devoted decades to building a better more complete you. Why should you discard that person now?

That does not mean that you will not change as a person going forward. You will! As we repeatedly say in my Men’s Grief Groups, “It will never be the same again.” But that new person will be built on top of and around the person you were before. Widowers often say their experience “creates a new me.”

Don’t be afraid to find out who this new me is. If you are successful at expunging the false gods, you will find that discovering who this new me is, can give you plenty to do for the rest of your days!

Good luck to you!

© Copyright 2020 Fred Colby

All rights reserved

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