Widower to Widower INTRODUCTION
After losing your life partner, there are moments, many of them in fact, when you may doubt your very sanity. For most of us, that triggers the “flight or fight” reaction. If you fight (confront) it, your chances of coming through this intact are much improved. If you try to run away from it, you may only be delaying the inevitable grieving process.
The greatest fear I had during the earliest stages of my grief was that I was going crazy, was losing all control over my thoughts, and that I might make decisions harming me, my family and my friends. That included suicidal thoughts. This scared the hell out of me and I became desperate to find answers, so I could avoid making bad life choices. I quickly found those answers would be hard to find, and that resources for widowers were minimal and often of dubious value.
This book is my response to frustration I experienced during this search. I have done my best to compile the most vital information I could find on the widower experience into this one book, so the reader does not have to go to as many sources for answers as I had to do.
Blogging helped me to process my experience as it was happening. I share these blogs from Caring Bridge (caringbridge.org), a site that facilitates your connection with friends and family at a time of loss) throughout the book in chronological fashion—starting from the time I discovered there was nothing else the medical profession could do for Theresa, my wife of 45 years.
Following this introduction, I break down my journey and what I learned into sections designed to address the experience of losing one’s spouse. I cover how I coped with my loss, as well as recommendations on how one can meet and overcome the many challenges which lay before a widower as he enters his new reality.
In preparing to write this book I documented my experience through the blogs, read many books and articles, talked to numerous widowers, spoke with therapists, and gathered stories through counseling groups, including a Men’s Grief Group which I helped to start at our local hospice. Widower to Widower is the culmination of my journey to date, and my search for answers.
From the beginning, I struggled with the “widower” label; it asked me to accept the death of my wife. Each widower’s experience may vary from mine, dependent on many factors such as length of marriage, depth of your connection to your wife, and/or how dependent you and your wife were on each other. Other relevant factors can include cultural background, depth and closeness of your support circle, how you were brought up, and your religious convictions.
In addition to quotes from other widowers, my personal observations and lessons-learned are supported by references, and insights from Licensed Marriage & Family Therapists who have extensive skill in counseling those grieving the loss of a loved one. This provides the reader with some guidance as to the commonality of my experiences with those encountered by other widowers, as well as an overview of different experiences one might incur.
My book is not meant to be the final word on the experience of widowers, but rather an exposition of one man’s experience and how understanding that might help you to deal with your own loss.
The frustration I experienced while trying to find materials that would be helpful to me often left me floundering. Visits to online and brick and mortar bookstores, online searches for relevant articles, and perusal of the few resources I did find, failed to provide answers. My therapist, who consulted with others as well, also could not find much that was helpful.
Through this book I wanted to include many of the critical issues that you will not find addressed in other publications. What I wrote here can often be raw and brutal at times, much like the grieving process itself.
Widower: When Men are Left Alone (Campbell & Silverman, 1996; out of print) was the only other book I found that covered some of these issues well. It includes interviews with twenty widowers, with commentary by a Licensed Clinical Social Worker after each chapter. Unfortunately, it is not only an old book with some outdated information, but it also did not go in depth on many topics. Online articles by widowers provided some help on specific topics. I’ve listed the best of these resources later in this book.
I spoke with other widowers to confirm that mine was not a unique journey but was in fact similar in many respects to their journey as well. The entry into grief is intense and harsh, and I could not see how I could write this book without being totally honest about the experience.
Sadly, many men do not turn to counseling for help when they need it most. Widowers are currently under-served by counseling groups and agencies. There are very few male counselors to turn to, and many female counselors are uncomfortable working with widowers, in part because of the anger and sexual components of their healing process.
When you consider the impact of these issues upon your psyche and well-being it is rather amazing that there is little research on the topics I cover here.
I am the expert only on my own experience. It is important to note that each widower’s experience is unique. There will be common threads and shared experiences, but each must find their own path. We must learn from each other, to realize that we are not going crazy, and to know that we can survive this experience.
Besides helping my fellow widowers, their friends and family, I hope and pray that this book finds its way into the hands of some well-qualified researchers who will conduct further studies on these topics so grief counselors in this field can be provided with more resources to help their widower clients.
To all those who follow me and seek answers during their painful journey into widower-hood, I dedicate this book.
Fred Colby