Earlier this year a therapist and doctoral student, who works with Couples in Conflict Management, contacted me with questions she encountered in conversations with women dating widowers. These questions deal with the challenges faced by a woman trying to understand a widower’s ongoing relationship with his deceased wife. This is the first of a two-part article on this topic.

My responses are based upon research for my book, and hundreds of conversations (virtual, email, and in-person) with widowers at various stages of their grief process.

Question #1 from Dawna McKnight, Couples Therapist:

Do you think a widower (with proper time for grief and healing) can go on to love another as much as the late wife?

Response from Fred Colby, Author:

This question often comes from Divorcees who are dating a widower. I am glad you specified, "with proper time for ... healing." Where the widower is in his grieving process can make a big difference in how ready they are to "commit" to someone new.

Many widows and widowers have communicated to me about this. The new relationship may also be impacted by the woman's background: single (never married), divorced, or widowed.

The short answer is: Yes, you can go on to love another as much as the late wife.

The long answer is: Yes, but "love" may take on new/different definitions. I don't recommend trying to define it in a narrow way that filled the bill twenty to forty years ago. Allow it to take on some wonderful new hues and expressions. Don't think that for someone to love you, they must leave a deceased someone else behind.

Question #2 from Dawna McKnight, Couples Therapist:

Can the new partner hold the same level of importance for him?

Response from Fred Colby, Author:

Yes, they can! But allow the new relationship to mature and deepen just as it did for him with his first wife. Don't expect the early protestations of love to immediately hold the same depth and breadth as they did with the first wife of many years. This takes some time to evolve... just as it did in their youth.

There is plenty of room for love and commitment to occur. But the new love must allow room for the old love to remain in the widower’s heart. If the new wife/partner constantly asks, "Do you love me as much as you did her?" or insists on removing all the photos and mementos of the past relationship, they will drive their new boyfriend away over time. There should be a balance and respect for the past relationship which helped to form the person before you today. Honor that.

My eight-year girlfriend (a widow herself) and I have always been open and honest about our past spouses. We still speak of them on occasion as memories occur. We don't take offense or feel threatened by it. We each realize that the other one's spouse is an important part of who they are, and we accept that.

Question #3 from Dawna McKnight, Couples Therapist:

Sometimes the widower unknowingly can make the new partner feel like a substitute for his preferred relationship with his former wife.

Response from Fred Colby, Author:

In some cases, that can be very true. Often this will diminish over time as the relationship with the new friend becomes more real and secure for the widower. In many cases, the widower just wants a woman in his life again, period. For some that is all they want. For many others, they want the whole package (romance, long-term relationship, marriage). That can and often does lead to very real emotional and physical love connections. This is where the added empathy learned from their loss helps them to be more open to a sincere loving relationship. It often can seem very strange (especially after long marriages) to be learning how to be in a loving relationship with a new person all over again. It takes time, so trying to force it along can incur negative reactions.

See more in Part II on this topic in two weeks.

© Copyright 2024 Fred Colby

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Fred Colby is the author of:

Widower to Widower - available through most booksellers and libraries.

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