Widower: Alone and Desperate!

Almost all of us will arrive at a point early in the grieving process when we realize that we are now all alone. Even if we have kids to take care of, friends and family nearby, and/or church members supporting us… we will still feel that we are isolated and possibly losing all connection to reality.

This realization can make the world around us seem scary and surreal. Half of our identity has been ripped away and the remaining void seems inescapable.  We grew with, experienced success and failure with, and built a unified identity with our spouse. And now we are desperate to fill this vacuum. 

That is why 52% of widowers remarry within eighteen months after their loss. Unfortunately, over 50% of these marriages will fail… and often within one year of being married again. As a widower we can be anxious to find the companionship we so sorely miss.

Grief therapists often advise widowers to not make any major decisions the first year after their loss. At minimum, the decisions to avoid include remarrying, selling your house, and giving away all your wife’s possessions. Other decisions to delay include job and life-style changes. Yet, some of us may find ourselves in circumstances that dictate we make these changes (e.g. debts, family, legal issues).

I have met many widows who did not enter new meaningful relationships for years after their husband died. In contrast, a majority of the widowers I know, entered new relationships within months, if not within a year, of their wife’s passing.

So how can we help those widowers who ask us for advice and need help to avoid making harmful decisions? Let’s face it, we are not trained therapists; but we are often one of the few people they will speak with outside of their family and friends. As someone familiar with death and its impacts, they may turn to us (as fellow widowers) for help. Especially since the topics we speak of here can cause huge turmoil in their family, often leading to irreconcilable ruptures.

Many widowers I speak with are terribly ashamed of the thoughts they have about wanting a woman in their lives again. As you might know firsthand, we can be deathly afraid of raising the topic with our children, siblings, parents, work mates, or church friends. If we have not found someone we can talk to, we will be desperate to talk about this with someone who can provide us with some empathy and direction.

 As a fellow widower there are some suggestions that we can share with others that do not cross over into the “therapist” turf:

·        Let them know that the feelings they are feeling are very normal,

·        Assure them that they are not going crazy,

·        Advise waiting for one year before making any major decisions as is commonly recommended by grief therapists and is good advice for all widowers,

·        Suggest finding a grief therapist (local hospices can often help with this) and urge them to meet with the therapist as soon as they can do so,

·        Recommend joining a Men’s Grief Group to help support them through the first year or so, and

·        Read Herb Knoll’s, Fred Colby’s, or other books on the widower experience.

You can also share the following link to books, blogs and resources designed to help every widower to find answers and support: https://www.fredcolby.com/

As widowers, we all need support during our grieving process. We may well remember how difficult it was to ask for help or to accept it when offered. So, let us be willing to reach out a hand to others as they begin their own grief journey. Being grateful for our own progress and being willing to help others is a critical part of the healing process.

© Copyright 2020 Fred Colby

All rights reserved

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