You Can Heal Now!
If you want to heal to survive this hell-on-earth experience you will find that you have to grow as a person… as a father, brother, son, friend, and/or community member. If you retreat from the world to stew in your grief and anger, that is where you will likely remain. While this retreat is often normal during the early deep grieving months, it may be a sign of complicated grief if it continues beyond a year.
We each must find our own unique healing path out of grief. My journey will not be the same as yours. But I offer the following as an example of a healing path:
In 2015 I began attending an area hospice’s monthly co-ed grief group meetings. I could not help but notice that I was usually outnumbered by the women by a factor of around eight to one. While I found some solace in these groups at first, I felt constrained in terms of what I was comfortable talking about in the presence of women. After a few meetings, I approached the hospice about starting a men’s group.
Four years later, in 2020, I co-facilitated the 48th meeting of the Men’s Grief Group which I co-founded in 2016 at Pathways Hospice in Fort Collins, Colorado. The attendance at our meetings grew steadily from 4 to 5 attendees up to a monthly average of 15. Attendees range from first timers to old-timers. Ages varied from the late ’40s to the late ‘80s. Almost all were widowers, with a smattering of those who lost a child, sibling, or parent.
Through the years we helped save lives, and we almost always helped men to pull themselves out of the pit of grief. Their expressions of gratitude were balm for my own grief wounds. In short, my efforts to help others helped me to heal much more quickly than I would have without these activities. This work led me to found and facilitate a national Men’s Grief Group during the pandemic. I also joined two boards including our local Hospice and Library boards.
Other widowers I know personally have:
· Started and built up the Widowers Support Network which has provided thousands of widowers with a members-only site where they can provide mutual support for each other.
· Joined nonprofit volunteer groups and boards of directors to help others in their community.
· Founded and nurtured the National Widower’s Organization which provides all kinds of resources for widowers.
· Provided free trips from Fort Collins to Laramie, Wyoming for veterans who need to visit the Veterans Hospital.
· Helped to start grief groups at various churches and nonprofits.
And there are so many other ways of giving back. Some widowers are left with young children to raise, aging and ill parents to care for, as well as friends or siblings to help. There is no end to the number of ways we can help others, and through that activity heal ourselves.
When I think of my wife today, I know that if she is aware of what I am doing with my life now, she would be so proud and happy for me. I have found a way to become a better person in large part because of her and all that she instilled in me.
So, no matter your faith and no matter your history, take the time now to think about how you can make a difference going forward. Like me, you can become an even better person, a person your wife would be proud of and love even more than before.
© Copyright 2023 Fred Colby
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