YOU CAN’T PLEASE EVERYONE
We widowers often hear that soon after the death of our wives we will lose many friends and possibly some family ties. This frequently occurs despite our best efforts to maintain these previously reliable and important relationships. This can result in:
1. Questioning our likability, self-image, and ability to sustain relationships.
2. Increasing loneliness that can lead to isolation, depression, and self-condemnation.
3. Becoming angry at others for deserting us in our time of need.
If we are brave enough, we may try to reach out to those who seem to disappear from our lives. In some cases, if done right, we may succeed in keeping the more important of these relationships. Doing this can help to build a foundation upon which our healing can build.
However, we may find that some former friends and family members are not responsive to our attempts to retain their friendships. This can be frustrating, and despite our other successes we may obsess over those who “got away.”
This is the point at which we need to recognize that “We cannot please everyone.” There are many reasons why some former friends and family may not be responsive. These can include:
Needing time and distance to process their own grief,
Not being comfortable around someone who is grieving and not knowing how to be supportive,
Being used to relating to you only in a “couples” environment and not knowing how to relate to you as a single, or
Blaming you in some way for your wife’s death (this may not make any sense, but for some, it offers an easy alternative to really understanding what happened).
You now have a choice! Do you continue to self-condemn or be angry because of these failed relationships, or do you realize there may be some relationships you should just let go of? If you choose the latter, you may find that some of these relationships are restored, but many never will be.
Once you stop trying to salvage irreparable relationships, you can turn your attention to forming new ones! These may be other widowers, new friends met through new activities, or old friends or people you met in past lives. Sometimes your new circumstances allow you to do things you never considered while married.
Let’s face it, most of us become settled in our ways when we are married for a long time. That means forgoing the motorcycle ride, snowshoeing trip, scuba diving experience, Western dance lessons, climbing that mountain you always thought you would like to try, etc. The list is unending and now you can try all kinds of things you would not have considered before.
And I believe that in most cases our wives would approve. They would want us to reengage with life, find new outlets for our energy and creativity, make new friends, try new things, and form new bonds that make life enjoyable again.
So please, don’t waste one more moment agonizing over the lost friends or family members, and focus on a future full of new ones. You may be surprised by how much you enjoy this new life once you commit to it.
© Copyright 2024 Fred Colby
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Fred Colby is the author of:
Widower to Widower - available through all major booksellers and libraries.
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