Most of us over 50 remember the popular song, Love Hurts, written by Boudleaux Bryant and sung by Roy Orbison, Nazareth, Everly Brothers and many others. The first lyrics, though written for the pain of young love, apply equally to the pain we feel when our wives pass:

Love hurts
Love scars
Love wounds and marks
Any heart not tough or strong enough
To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud, it holds a lot of rain
Love hurts
Ooh love hurts

     Grief and its inevitable partner, loneliness, cause pain unlike anything most have ever experienced before. The love we felt so strongly for our wives now turns on us and causes emotional, physical, and psychological pain. The sudden absence of love being given back to us leaves a hole that seems bottomless and unfillable. Our inability to show our love to a physically present wife can frustrate, confuse, and hurt us.

     Each of us may choose a different response to this pain. Two of the more common responses are confronting the grief and loneliness head-on or running from it as fast as possible.

     Those who run from it may avoid being alone while processing their grief. They often will bury themselves in:

• their work, or projects around the house,

• taking care of their children, or

• even remarrying the first woman who comes along.

     Those who run from it may find that months or even years later they are suddenly confronted with a full-on assault by the grief… and they are now even less prepared to deal with it. Friends and family may not understand why you are suddenly grieving now after so much time has passed.

    Others may be able to sublimate their grief and pain forever, but it may well impact their relationships with others and affect their ability to empathize with other family members or friends who are openly suffering from the loss. Those who remarry too quickly may find their grief or avoidance of it is now poisoning their new relationship.

     Those who confront their grief head-on are more likely to:

• openly discuss it with friends, workmates, and family;

• reach out for help from grief therapists, grief groups, and online groups;

• read books, blogs, and articles about grieving; and/or

• listen to audio and online talks about how to survive their grief.

     While it is usually painful to confront your pain, especially at first, it can also become therapeutic as you process the pain day by day, piece by piece until you begin to see a way to healing. This direct “confront the pain” approach includes such things as:

• Looking at every photo and film you have of your wife.

• Talking to others about her passing and your love for her.

• Creating memorials to her such as albums, poems, paintings, or books; and,

• Speaking about your feelings and fears with a grief therapist.

     If you confront your grief, you may cry a lot, scream a lot, and get mad. Sometimes, you may say the wrong thing, become unsure of yourself and your identity, and feel excruciating loneliness. BUT… if you do this you should gradually see the level of grief and pain begin to diminish. This will lead to redefining your relationship with your wife in a healthy way, allowing you to still love and remember her, while also beginning to live life more fully again.

     So, which approach will it be for you?

© Copyright 2023 Fred Colby

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Fred Colby is the author of:

Widower to Widower which is available through all major booksellers and libraries.

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