Are You Talking to Others?
After the loss of our wives, many of us find ourselves unable to communicate effectively with others. Even those of us who come from careers in communication may find ourselves suddenly at a loss for words. Numbness, physical and mental pain, a sense of surrealness, and disrupted attention spans interfere with our ability to comprehend, organize thoughts, and put our feelings and thoughts into words.
Our friends, family, and neighbors are often unsure about how to speak with us, and afraid they will say the wrong thing. They may believe that we would prefer to be left alone (and some of us would). We in turn often blame them for abandoning us, only compounding the problem.
Many of us may have left much of our communication to our wives who regularly spoke to neighbors, friends, and family members while we joined in sporadically. As a result, our communication skills may have deteriorated to the point that we are no longer comfortable with being the lead anymore.
Others may interpret our clumsiness, unwillingness to speak, or our inability to string together a complete sentence as an unwillingness to talk with them, or even as evidence of our desire to be alone. This can lead to our avoiding others and missing an opportunity to build the bridges needed to heal.
Between Emails, Facebook, Messenger, Instagram, TikTok, and other messenger vehicles many of us have forgotten how to communicate in person. When we do try to physically talk to someone, we may feel inadequate for the task. As a result, our own cues and our ability to read the cues of others can be out of whack. This can lead to frustration, misunderstandings, and lost opportunities.
Breaking out of this self-perpetuating cycle can seem impossible, and lead to further isolating ourselves from friends and family. To heal, we need human contact, support, encouragement, and love. You cannot get that while alone in your house wallowing in your grief and pain.
Learning to communicate with others again is not only vital for us to heal but also critical if we want to re-engage with life again in any meaningful way. It starts with YOU, and no one else. YOU have to make a commitment to reaching out to others, to talking to others, to inviting others into your life. If you wait for them to initiate contact, you may well be disappointed.
Think back to when a close friend or relative lost someone close to them. How often did you reach out to them, ask them to join you over a meal, or just call to see how they were doing? I know that I was not particularly stellar in that area. How about you? Why then would you expect others to get it, and reach out to you first?
One Note Here: There are likely to be some topics that you just are not comfortable discussing with friends and family (e.g. desire for new relationships, anger, self-doubts). This is perfectly normal, and this is where it makes sense to also speak with a Grief Therapist who can help guide you through these challenging topics.
If you want to heal, if you want to reengage with life again… then it is up to you to take that first step of reaching out and speaking with others. In his book How to Be Your Own Therapist Author Owen Kane suggests that your first step is to “Talk to yourself in a positive tone.” If you are down on yourself and constantly in a negative place it will be hard to engage in productive conversations with others.
So, start with yourself and then build on that by reaching out to one person at a time until you have built a small circle of people whom you feel safe with. Let them know that you want them in your life and that you need their support right now. As you become more confident you can then begin to reach outside of your normal circle and add new friends to your group. You might be pleasantly surprised (as I was during my first year) and find that you eventually create a whole new circle of friends on top of your existing ones. Don’t be discouraged if you lose some old friends and family along the way, that is perfectly normal as you build a new life.
I know it takes courage to put yourself out there, but I can assure you that it is worth it if you are able to stick with it through the rough part of developing your new communication skills. Hang in there and keep at it. Good luck!
© Copyright 2023 Fred Colby
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Fred Colby is the author of:
Widower to Widower which is available through all major booksellers.
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