Widower: Pushing Them Away
Have you ever known someone who is so kind, so caring, so considerate and so wanting to please you and everyone around them that they drive you kind-of-crazy? In response, do you bristle, offer abrupt answers to their questions, and/or push them away every time you are around them.
Well, that may be the feeling that you have around everyone after you lose your wife. Everyone may be so kind and considerate around you that you react with anger and withdrawal. You might even push them away!
This can be aggravated further by a friend or family member’s fear that they will say or do the wrong thing. Actually this fear may drive them to do exactly the opposite of what they should do. They might call too often, ask questions you are not ready to answer, make offensive suggestions that are meant to be helpful (Can I introduce you to our friend Sally?), or push you to do things you are not ready to do (take off the wedding ring, get rid of her clothes, or remove the pictures in the living room).
In turn, you may get angry, feel more isolated, and have little desire to interact with others. Your demeanor and words may say loud and clear, “I want to be left alone. Don’t bother me.”
I remember well one widower who repeatedly said, “Everyone keeps asking me ‘How are you doing?’ Well hell, what am I supposed to say. I feel like crap, I am angry and going crazy! I lost the love of my life and feel depressed all the time. I don’t know what to do and can’t sleep most nights!”
As widowers we often start pushing everyone away, so we don’t have to make nice, or to offer words like “I am doing fine” when the opposite is true. This self-imposed separation from friends and family only aggravates our deep grieving and isolation. It can threaten our ability to eventually return to normalcy, and may destroy our capacity to engage in loving and respectful relationships again. Once you get on this train, it is hard to get off it.
The first step to pulling out of this self-fulfilling and self-perpetuating funk is to recognize it and acknowledge that it is up to you to pull out of it. You can do this through:
Grief counseling to help you talk out the issues driving your anger and isolation.
Being open and honest with your family and friends about your emotional and mental state. This can include telling those who ask invasive or inappropriate questions, that you just are not ready to answer them or to consider their suggestions.
Telling your story as often as you can to those willing to listen… it will help a little bit each time you tell it.
Learning to not take offense at the constant “How are you doing?” questions and learning to just deflect with a polite “Thank you. I am just taking it one day a time.”
Reaching out to anyone in your circle who you can call regularly and talk openly about where you are and what you are thinking about going forward. (For me this was a sister who was a former therapist)
Each of these by themselves is a step in the right direction. Together all these steps can help you to heal faster and better. As humans we need interaction with others to be whole, and as men we often just do not realize this until we are utterly and absolutely alone.
Few of us can do this by ourselves, so I urge every widower who finds themselves sinking down the pit of anger and isolation to recognize this self-imposed barrier and begin tearing it down.
© Copyright 2021 Fred Colby
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