Loneliness Amplifies Anger, Guilt, and Regrets
As each of us emerges from numbness and enters into acceptance of our wife’s death, the realization of our aloneness kicks into high gear. Even though there may have been days when you and your wife spoke only a few sentences to each other, you knew she was there for you, and cared for you. While you may have had some guilt over things said, anger over inconsiderate actions, and regrets over things not done… these were usually quickly forgotten and you both moved on with your lives.
However, now that no one can fill the void left by her absence you will more than likely sink into deep loneliness, and you may not be able to see a way out of it. And because of this overwhelming sense of loneliness, the guilt, anger, and regrets can become amplified to levels that overwhelm you. If you are not careful, this can lead to complicated grief with even deeper sorrow and depression.
Anger is as tempting as the siren song in the Odyssey which pulled the sailors and their ships into the rocks. If you were quick to anger before your wife’s passing you are susceptible to becoming overwhelmed by it during your grieving. Often this anger is directed at yourself, which only worsens your situation. At other times, this anger is directed outwards toward those who would help you such as friends, family, neighbors, counselors, and doctors. This anger may be driven by both real and imagined injustices such as medical misdiagnosis, well-meaning offers to help, demands for sharing the estate immediately, and unkind words.
Guilt is a trip that most of us experience. Self-flagellation over past arguments, missed signals, failures to spend more time with her, inability to secure better health care, and more can make every day miserable. This misery feeds upon itself often causing us to spiral out of control.
Regrets have a more subtle way of weaving their way into your consciousness, causing you to focus more on the things not done or poorly done, rather than on all the good things you had with your wife. Regrets can lead you to constantly ask yourself things like, “Why didn’t I appreciate her more? Why didn’t I listen to her when she told me she wanted to do something together? Why didn’t I take the time to do more of the little things for her that would make her light up?”
When you are lonely, isolated in your house by yourself, and resistant to seeing others, all these oppressive thoughts can gradually become the perspective that defines your life. When you realize what is happening, you can begin to turn the tables on anger, guilt, and regret.
Some of the counters to these are:
· Anger: Forgive! Start by forgiving yourself first. So you made mistakes, who doesn’t! Then move on to forgiving the ones closest to you, gradually expanding your circle of forgiveness to more distant targets of your anger, such as doctors, lawyers, employers, etc.
· Guilt: Letting Go! Stop going over all of the things you feel guilty about now. Be willing to say, “O.K. I screwed up, I could have done better. But, I didn’t. So now that is in the past and it is time to let it go.” You can, as a part of your healing process, make amends for some of those things that you feel guilty about. The key thing is to confront it, let it go, and then move on to be an even better person.
· Regrets: Gratitude! Nothing heals regret like gratitude. If your marriage was so good, that means that you have hundreds, if not thousands, of great memories about your life with your wife. I learned to start every day giving gratitude for my wife, my children, my family, my friends, and much more. Over time this got easier and easier to do. As I got better at this, the regrets began to fade away into the nothingness where they belonged.
YOU HAVE A CHOICE! Do you want to live the rest of your life being angry, feeling guilty, and regretting countless things that happened in the past? OR, do you want to live the life your wife would have wanted you to live. She married you for a reason, and more than likely she had a hand in making you a better person over time. Now you have an opportunity to continue that trajectory and become an even better person. So, it is your choice! Which will it be?
© Copyright 2022 Fred Colby
All rights reserved
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