Our Role Changes After Loss
Many of us have lived two lives concurrently. The first is our Home-Life, with our wife and family. Most of us also have or had a Work-Life with our co-workers, customers, bosses, etc. Each of these lives is often very different and distinct from the other. If we become too immersed in one, the other often suffers.
We also developed an identity to go along with each of our two lives. So, the Home-Life identity might be more easy-going, supportive, empathetic, and less clock-driven. While the Work-Life identity might be all business, focused, abrupt, less considerate, and time driven. When the Work-Life identity bleeds into the Home-Life identity it often leads to challenges for the marriage.
When our wife passes, we suddenly lose our Home-Life as we knew it. If we are still working, we are often forgiven if we suddenly become buried in our Work-Life. This can be unhealthy and lead to medical, emotional, and mental issues which can spiral into major problems.
So how do we find a balance between the two if we do still work, OR how do we create an alternative to the Home-Life side of our life if we no longer work?
Severance, an Apple TV+ television series, presents a world where a medical procedure causes the show’s characters to 100% separate their work and non-work lives. Neither can remember the other, so when they are at home, they are completely removed from workplace stresses, drama, and challenges. But while at work they have no memory of their Home-life, which for one widower is perceived as a major blessing.
However, eventually, the “severance” between home and office cannot be preserved and the implications for the characters in the show become disastrous. The lesson learned is that you can never entirely separate the two, you need balance in both work and non-work to lead a rewarding life.
So, how can we escape the attraction of burying ourselves into just Home-Life, Work-Life, or some other alternative that we have developed? The first step can be to recognize that you still need a Home-Life to offer respite from becoming completely immersed in the Work-Life. If you bring the Home-Life into the workspace you may not be able to distinguish between the two and may have trouble focusing on your work.
On the other hand, if you bring the Work-Life into the home constantly, you may find yourself unable to deal with the challenges of building your new self. This creating of your new self is a process we all must go through after losing our better half. While she is still a part of you, you do need to continue as a fully functioning person who no longer shares responsibilities, household tasks, communication with friends and family, and the development of outside non-work activities.
While you are no longer married, at least not in the physical sense, you may struggle with your new labels of single or widower. If this is all that defines you, it will be hard to grow as a person. This means we must find new labels to define ourselves, such as:
· Board member
· Volunteer
· Author
· Grandparent
· Hiker
· Biker
· Fisherman
· Traveler
Any of these and others can offer a counter to your Work-Life identity and provide balance in your new life. With that new balance, you are able to continue your healing while finding a new sense of comfort and satisfaction in your new life.
© Copyright 2023 Fred Colby
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