Widower: Oh Crap! Now What?

That was my reaction when I recently found out that I had prostate cancer and would have to start treatment soon. When you get prostate cancer, suddenly everyone you know is dealing with the same or a similar problem.

This is both good and bad. Good in that you have new friends to compare notes with, to mutually support each other, and to ask for advice. Bad in that you hear all the horror stories and all the latest fads in treating your illness.

We widowers seem to be primed to get all kinds of serious illnesses within a year or two of our wives passing. The reality is that all the stress, physical and emotional pain, lack of sleep, and isolation combine to create a severe weakening of our immune systems. Consequently, we are susceptible to all kinds of diseases and bodily breakdowns, as well as mental health threats. 

If we allow our grief to continue unabated and wallow in our grief for too long, and if we try to try to self-medicate with alcohol and/or drugs… then we are just opening the door to health problems that may only make matters worse. Aging by itself is enough of a threat, why should we add to this and make matters worse?

Believe me, I was there as a new widower five years ago, when four months after my wife passed I was rushed to the hospital for an emergency hernia operation. One week later and minus three feet of intestines I returned home to recover. Before this experience I was deep into my grief and depression.

I had been prepared to die on the table, in fact I welcomed the opportunity to rejoin my wife. I instructed the doctors that I wanted a “Do Not Resuscitate” order in place in the event I died on the table. However, instead my survival was a wakeup call for me.

I realized that maybe, just maybe, God and the universe had other plans for me… and that maybe I had more things to do before departing this earth. My daughters were thrilled to see me begin to be myself again, and to see that I started to speak of the future again instead of only the past.

The transition was gradual, but now I was committed to healing… and that made all the difference in the world. I started searching for and reading more materials, and I began to challenge myself to become a better person… the one my wife believed in all those years.

I won’t say it was easy, it was not! But over the next few months I became more active, joined different activities with new people I had never met before, and sought answers in many different places. By one year out from her death I was better able to appreciate what she had meant to me, while at the same time finding new ways to honor her by giving back to my community through joining two boards, by being a more involved parent and grandparent, and by writing my book, Widower to Widower.

So now five years out from her death I am facing another physical challenge with my prostate treatment. But, this time I am mentally and physically ready to meet this challenge and I fully expect to continue giving back to my community as I move forward.

We each need to find our own path to healing in our own way. I just hope that you don’t have to have a medical emergency to wake you up too.

© Copyright 2021 Fred Colby

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