Almost every widower I have met, emailed, or spoken to has at some point said this to me. I certainly felt that way after my wife passed in 2015…This sense of feeling that “I should have died before she did” can lead to feelings of survivor’s guilt, as well as deep regret for not being able to “save” her.
Read MoreIn many cultures and religions, self-flagellation is accepted as an appropriate way to drive the demons, bad thoughts, and immoral behaviors out of oneself. Often, movies depict this with a person whipping themselves with a short whip or leather braids.
Now while we may not resort to this kind of physical purging, we often do participate in a form of self-flagellation which can be just as harmful and self-defeating…
Read MoreYou had a romantic wedding, celebrated the birth of children, and got comfortable with your happily-ever-after life. Then tragedy struck and you realized how fragile the human body can be. Suddenly, you faced the prospect of seeing the source of your happily-ever-after life take her last breath…
Read MoreAfter my wife’s death, I became increasingly concerned about my ability to make sound decisions. At times the world around me seemed surreal… and I often wanted to shut the door on everyone and just hide in my grief.
As I began to recognize the impact of these issues on me, I became fearful that I would make bad decisions that might threaten my relationships…
Read MoreWas your wife the first woman/girl you ever:
· dated?
· kissed?
· asked to become your girlfriend?
· made love to?
Read MoreMany of us who lose a close loved one, tend to idealize them. This is carried to the max when the loved one was your wife of many years. All her faults, bad habits, odd behaviors that drove you nuts, and even those moments of disagreement seem to just disappear.
Read MoreIf you already have all the answers, don’t waste your time asking others for help… because you won’t be able to hear any advice that is offered, no matter how good it is. However, if you feel lost and are ready to hear what others can share with you, then by all means ask for help… and the sooner the better.
Read MoreDuring an overwhelming sense of loneliness, guilt, anger, and regrets can become amplified to levels that overwhelm you. If you are not careful, this can lead to complicated grief with even deeper sorrow and depression.
Read MoreEmpathy is critical to healing grief. For me, it was second only to gratitude as a skill that I had to develop in order to pull myself out of the deep depression and suffering I experienced during the first year of my grieving. Many widowers find their ability to be empathetic to others is greatly enhanced after the loss of their wives.
Read MoreTwo years after my wife’s death, almost to the week, my mother passed away. As I gathered with my five siblings to honor our mom, I could not help but notice the difference in the grieving process….
Read MoreGrief, really deep grief, can change you! I see examples of this change through my men’s grief group, responses to my online blogs, online widowers’ groups, and chance meetings I have with fellow widowers in my community. This change does not happen overnight, it can take months if not years to happen.
Read MoreValentine’s Day, like birthdays and other special days, may bring back painful memories that set us back in our healing process. Knowing this in advance can help us to prepare so we can overcome their impacts…
Read MoreWhen we first enter deep grieving after losing our wives, we often do everything we can think of to hold on to her. This can include (as it did for me) going through all the old photos, slides, and mementos to try and keep her close and to live in the past.
A part of us has been ripped away, and we don’t want to let it go.
Read MoreSo often during our deep grieving we fall into the trap of condemning ourselves, dwelling on our regrets, and/or doubting ourselves. Instead of celebrating the great marriage we had and honoring our wives, we turn on ourselves and focus on the negatives….
Read MoreIf you are a widower looking for help, ideas, or support, this blog is for you! At this time of year many of us have a difficult time getting through all the poignant reminders of our spouse. This is NOT the time to be the silent loner. It is the time to reach out to others, and let them help you if they are able to.
Read MoreI recently was asked during a radio interview to summarize my advice to the friends and family of a widower on what to say or not say to them. The following are some highlights of our conversation…
Read MoreMy father died when he was 33 years of age, so I realized the importance of getting my finances in order while still young… Eventually when I came out of deep grieving, I realized that everything about our finances had been structured for her survival, not mine.
Read MoreAll widowers have something in common… we are going, or have gone, through hell on earth….
We can support each other by sharing that which was common in our experience, as well as by sharing that which was unique to us….
Read MoreAs I recently sat on the porch swing looking out over the green fields, pond, and river before me I realized just how different things are for me now, compared to six years ago after losing my wife of 45 years…
Read MoreBesides experiencing an overwhelming and sometimes terrifying loneliness, for widowers the loss of their wife can often leave them feeling lost and without direction. As husbands we often feel that providing for our family (our wife in particular), is our first and most important purpose. With her gone you cannot help but ask, “What is my purpose now?”
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